My Journey to be Healthy & Happy

I’m closing the door on this blog. 

I need to regroup. Again.

What started as emotional stress moved into work stress which just took over everything and I let it. I know I let it, I didn’t stop it.

And I’m not in a good place, I did exactly what I said I’d never do. I worked too hard to do it. And then little by little, that happened. I’m back (mostly) (close enough)

And it makes me miserable and I’m sick & tired of being miserable.

I started another awhile back when I had a couple day burst of energy, but it didn’t last. I’m going to pick back up there.

Sarah v3.0

I’ve never been a huge draw-er of support from here, it’s mostly been a place to through out thoughts, but you know, I really wouldn’t mind it now. It’s not as easy this time around…

Last night when we got home from work, we put the (Hungry Girl) chili back in the crock to reheat while we went for a walk. It was only down to the end of the street and back, maybe 20 minutes, but it was something.

When we came back, a kind neighbor saw us and told us of someone who was peppersprayed & mugged on the road we were just on (it’s an unlit undeveloped road, so yeahhhh, maybe not the smartest move). so yeah for kindness of strangers?

We got home, finished heating the chili, ate dinner at the table (and 1 bowlful of it apiece), and enjoyed the rest of the nice.

Good little improvements.

(Boyfriend jokingly cursed the walking before dinner. Normally he’d go back for seconds, but didn’t feel like it anymore)

I ate almost a whole small italian rosemary loaf today after work. Some on the way home from the store. Some while heating up soup. Some with soup. some while making chili in the crock pot (why I actually bought the bread). And now it is gone (except for the last rip of bread) so I can’t. And I cannot buy more.

I had a glass of wine. And have a 2nd sitting in front of me I can’t even finish.

Usually I’m better at home. Work is where I struggle. With the gummy worms amd cookies and crap and things.

I’m supposed to be better at home.

I’m supposed to fit into my clothes.
Into the clothes that are sizes I haven’t worn in years and not in a good way. Not terribly terrible, but definitely 1 higher than where I feel comfortably higher. Which is 2 higher than I would want to be my high.

BUT. I’m not DOING anything about it. I’m exhausted and cranky after work all the time. Boy just got here and I want to spend any time with him. Which is dumb. I should. I should. I can.

I’m out of shape & walking with people from work, but it still counts?

Maybe after this I’ll try to actually run one some day?

I don’t feel good on a daily basis. I don’t feel in control. I hate the extra fat all over me. 

I’ve been working minimum 12 hr days for the past week, plus. I had 2 days off when the boy came to visit, which was the first time since June, so it was us time.  And it’s been all work since. 

If I could wake up earlier, I used it to get into work, not go to the gym. And I’m not going to the gym at 3am, sorry.

I feel like crap. I don’t know who to talk to about it. So I’m throwing it into cyberspace. 

And my mind is playing these terrible mental games. I feel terrible. And I know there are 2 ways of being in control. I can control my body by going to the gym, eating right etc. But with my mind set now, that has bordered on just not eating, I can control that. Then it flips to the other spectrum. I can’t control anything else, but I want something sweet, and that’s one thing I can do for myself, so eat it. And I do.

Read More